No, I’m not talking about call me Miss Jackson if you’re nasty. It’s more like “Hi, my name is Tab, and I’m a control freak”. Yes, I need a 12 step program to help me with my freakdom. At my core, I need control. Is it inherent or learned…maybe a little of both?
I grew up in within a community of controlling woman. Not that it is a bad thing; I just think it has the potential to get out of control. Oxymoron? Being too controlling can cause you to become out of control? I am compelled to run things. I need it, I crave it, I long for it. But in the pursuit I’ve lost control of the one thing that is the most important, myself. This scares me. I have a young daughter whom I’ve observed with the same needs and cravings for control. I need to take heed of this, but where to start…the beginning I guess.
During this life long need to control my surrounding, I find that I’ve filled the bucket too full, so much so that I’ve lost the ability for self control. It’s apparent as I yet again struggle to lose weight that I’ve been yo-yoing with for many years. I started out life as a thin child. I suffered my first major loss as a pre-teen when grandfather died (loss of control), a man whom I loved deeply. I found comfort in eating (regaining to control my feelings of loss). I entered school after that summer overweight for the first time. Next came a round of diet pills, compulsive exercise, and I dropped the weight getting too thin (mostly due to the cruel reality of mean pre-teen children and society). Most of my high-school I was too thin, but still struggled in my head for that control over food. By time I graduated I was a healthy size 9 after gaining a bit of weight. Then I got sick. PCOS wasn’t something I new anything about. I gained and gained, and during it all married my high school sweetheart (of sorts, met him 2 weeks after I graduated). After 4 years we got married. My weight had crept to the highest it had ever been but was never an issue with him, but it was for me. The summer after we married, I tried once again to lose weight. This time I walked 5 miles a day, every day, rain or shine! 3 months straight, I walked and watched my fat intake… and lost only 5 pounds. Talk about not feeling in control! Frustrated by my weight loss efforts, and not being able to get pregnant (yes, one more thing out of control) I finally got the help needed to get my PCOS under control. Lost some weight…then got divorced…gained some weight. You get the picture, lot of out of control moments compensated by over controlling moments, too many to put in this blog or it would become a novel.
Shortly after my divorce I moved to a new state. I found a love of kickboxing and boxing. I joined WW. I found my F&F sisters…and finally lost a LOT of weight. Back in control! Then, I met a man, fell in love, got pregnant, got married, bought a house, got pregnant a second time, all within 2 years time. My last child was born almost 5 years ago. Having two children 16 months apart…yep, you will lose control of something! That something was once again myself.
So as this stream of consciousness weighs on me, control freakness, where do I go with it? I must let go…but where? How do you decide? It starts with asking for help. This I have found to be a very HARD concept for a control freak, but a necessary step to regain one’s self. So every day, I wake up, very deliberately and ask…where do I need help today? I must take control of myself, my eating, my journaling, my exercise…but the other stuff, I really don’t need to control it and I can have help. It’s a work in progress. I’m getting there, with support of family and friends. I don’t have all the answers, but that is life, and it’s all part of the process.
Hi, my name is Tab, I’m a control freak. But, you can call me Miss Jackson if you’re nasty!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Random stream of consciousness...why I'm starting this blog.
Random stream of consciousness…
What does that mean to me? It’s the thoughts that pop into my head daily, those that you may not verbalize, but ponder. Well, I’m going to verbalize. No one may ever read any of this, but if you do, I hope I can inspire you to ponder your own random streams of consciousness where ever it may take you… to self awareness, silliness…or beyond.
Today I am going to talk about why I’m starting this blog, and who has inspired me to do so. I am not a writer, nor do I pretend to be. Blogging is perfect in the fact that you can over look some grammar and spelling, and pretty much just type away in a stream of consciousness.
So many things in life are random in my opinion, but something’s are not. I don’t believe that the people you come across in your lifetime are random. I think it’s a very deliberate plan, from where, well that’s not a debate I’m going to get into. Friends over a lifetime are like the tide, ebbing and flowing…coming in and going out. But, on occasion, there are those who enter you life that is the rocks the waves crash against. It is those friends that you will have and love your entire life, no matter what. So, who helped me to aspire to this point I’m at. Thinking I can blog? Thinking I can write? Let’s step back a bit in time…
About 7 or 8 years ago I joined WW (and yes, a lot of my blogging will be about my struggles with weight). I got on-line and started using their forum. I asked for a buddy…and along came an angel. An angel that invited me to join 4 other angels (more like Charlie’s Angels…LOL). Shortly there after, one of the angels left the group, and then there were 4. I truly believe they were sent to me. Was it a random act that I found the one who opened me up to a special group…no, impossible! Quickly our group that at its foundation was weight loss support became more. Slowly, it evolved into support in many other areas of our lives. Each one of us is uniquely different, each one of us at a different stage in our life, none of us living close enough for a Sunday coffee. And except for one, I have never had a face to face conversation with them. I’m not sure what I would call us, a modern day pack of pen pal’s thanks to social media? Regardless, they are my friends, my sisters, my rock, and gift from god. They have seen me at my lowest and my highest (both weight and emotion). The special quality of a group of women, whom have not seen each other, brings on a pureness of self. It’s easy to divulge your feelings when anonymity is involved, but yet we know each other better than probably some of the friends we do ‘actually’ see. We have a bond, one that will last I’m sure until we are too old to be able to type, or have completely lost our facilities. We are affectionately named the Fierce and Fabulous foursome. Four, gloriously beautiful, strong, independent women!
Fast forward back to today, and why I’m writing this blog? Because one of my F&F sisters said on our ‘modern day pen pal social media site’, you should blog. That simple, that easy. So now I will challenge myself to try this blogging thing (which I’m sure will not have a movie made from it) for awhile and see where it goes.
Watch out…random streams of consciousness are about to pursue! Next blog will be about control.
What does that mean to me? It’s the thoughts that pop into my head daily, those that you may not verbalize, but ponder. Well, I’m going to verbalize. No one may ever read any of this, but if you do, I hope I can inspire you to ponder your own random streams of consciousness where ever it may take you… to self awareness, silliness…or beyond.
Today I am going to talk about why I’m starting this blog, and who has inspired me to do so. I am not a writer, nor do I pretend to be. Blogging is perfect in the fact that you can over look some grammar and spelling, and pretty much just type away in a stream of consciousness.
So many things in life are random in my opinion, but something’s are not. I don’t believe that the people you come across in your lifetime are random. I think it’s a very deliberate plan, from where, well that’s not a debate I’m going to get into. Friends over a lifetime are like the tide, ebbing and flowing…coming in and going out. But, on occasion, there are those who enter you life that is the rocks the waves crash against. It is those friends that you will have and love your entire life, no matter what. So, who helped me to aspire to this point I’m at. Thinking I can blog? Thinking I can write? Let’s step back a bit in time…
About 7 or 8 years ago I joined WW (and yes, a lot of my blogging will be about my struggles with weight). I got on-line and started using their forum. I asked for a buddy…and along came an angel. An angel that invited me to join 4 other angels (more like Charlie’s Angels…LOL). Shortly there after, one of the angels left the group, and then there were 4. I truly believe they were sent to me. Was it a random act that I found the one who opened me up to a special group…no, impossible! Quickly our group that at its foundation was weight loss support became more. Slowly, it evolved into support in many other areas of our lives. Each one of us is uniquely different, each one of us at a different stage in our life, none of us living close enough for a Sunday coffee. And except for one, I have never had a face to face conversation with them. I’m not sure what I would call us, a modern day pack of pen pal’s thanks to social media? Regardless, they are my friends, my sisters, my rock, and gift from god. They have seen me at my lowest and my highest (both weight and emotion). The special quality of a group of women, whom have not seen each other, brings on a pureness of self. It’s easy to divulge your feelings when anonymity is involved, but yet we know each other better than probably some of the friends we do ‘actually’ see. We have a bond, one that will last I’m sure until we are too old to be able to type, or have completely lost our facilities. We are affectionately named the Fierce and Fabulous foursome. Four, gloriously beautiful, strong, independent women!
Fast forward back to today, and why I’m writing this blog? Because one of my F&F sisters said on our ‘modern day pen pal social media site’, you should blog. That simple, that easy. So now I will challenge myself to try this blogging thing (which I’m sure will not have a movie made from it) for awhile and see where it goes.
Watch out…random streams of consciousness are about to pursue! Next blog will be about control.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)