No, I’m not talking about call me Miss Jackson if you’re nasty. It’s more like “Hi, my name is Tab, and I’m a control freak”. Yes, I need a 12 step program to help me with my freakdom. At my core, I need control. Is it inherent or learned…maybe a little of both?
I grew up in within a community of controlling woman. Not that it is a bad thing; I just think it has the potential to get out of control. Oxymoron? Being too controlling can cause you to become out of control? I am compelled to run things. I need it, I crave it, I long for it. But in the pursuit I’ve lost control of the one thing that is the most important, myself. This scares me. I have a young daughter whom I’ve observed with the same needs and cravings for control. I need to take heed of this, but where to start…the beginning I guess.
During this life long need to control my surrounding, I find that I’ve filled the bucket too full, so much so that I’ve lost the ability for self control. It’s apparent as I yet again struggle to lose weight that I’ve been yo-yoing with for many years. I started out life as a thin child. I suffered my first major loss as a pre-teen when grandfather died (loss of control), a man whom I loved deeply. I found comfort in eating (regaining to control my feelings of loss). I entered school after that summer overweight for the first time. Next came a round of diet pills, compulsive exercise, and I dropped the weight getting too thin (mostly due to the cruel reality of mean pre-teen children and society). Most of my high-school I was too thin, but still struggled in my head for that control over food. By time I graduated I was a healthy size 9 after gaining a bit of weight. Then I got sick. PCOS wasn’t something I new anything about. I gained and gained, and during it all married my high school sweetheart (of sorts, met him 2 weeks after I graduated). After 4 years we got married. My weight had crept to the highest it had ever been but was never an issue with him, but it was for me. The summer after we married, I tried once again to lose weight. This time I walked 5 miles a day, every day, rain or shine! 3 months straight, I walked and watched my fat intake… and lost only 5 pounds. Talk about not feeling in control! Frustrated by my weight loss efforts, and not being able to get pregnant (yes, one more thing out of control) I finally got the help needed to get my PCOS under control. Lost some weight…then got divorced…gained some weight. You get the picture, lot of out of control moments compensated by over controlling moments, too many to put in this blog or it would become a novel.
Shortly after my divorce I moved to a new state. I found a love of kickboxing and boxing. I joined WW. I found my F&F sisters…and finally lost a LOT of weight. Back in control! Then, I met a man, fell in love, got pregnant, got married, bought a house, got pregnant a second time, all within 2 years time. My last child was born almost 5 years ago. Having two children 16 months apart…yep, you will lose control of something! That something was once again myself.
So as this stream of consciousness weighs on me, control freakness, where do I go with it? I must let go…but where? How do you decide? It starts with asking for help. This I have found to be a very HARD concept for a control freak, but a necessary step to regain one’s self. So every day, I wake up, very deliberately and ask…where do I need help today? I must take control of myself, my eating, my journaling, my exercise…but the other stuff, I really don’t need to control it and I can have help. It’s a work in progress. I’m getting there, with support of family and friends. I don’t have all the answers, but that is life, and it’s all part of the process.
Hi, my name is Tab, I’m a control freak. But, you can call me Miss Jackson if you’re nasty!
you are adorable!
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